Lies and Reality

Definitely missing home right now. The list is very long as to what exactly I miss, but I don't want to waste your time with who and what I miss.

It seems like every day I have worked since this past Thursday has just been Satan sticking his tongue out at me saying "You just thought you could do this. In reality you are making things worse and really just need to go home and wipe your hands of it all." Just when I kinda sorta maybe a little started believing that, I grabbed a paper to actually write, but ended up drawing. Not an artist or anything, but I doodle frequently.  I laid my hand on the paper and there I saw my hand and my shadow bigger than my hand.

It was kinda neat because in that moment, I thought "God's hand is bigger than mine. God is over me watching my every step." After that, the shift got better in reality all of the guest were in bed and it became somewhat peaceful. 


Now that I have had some time to step back away from all the heat, craziness, crying, etc. I could not imagine myself doing anything else with my summer. Nothing else would have been God-ordained besides this. There are days when I am thankful that God does not make us relive days, and there are days that I would love to come back again.

Something as simple as a picture reminded me that I am where I need to be and that Satan is still trying to win a loosing battle.

Super short post today ladies and gentlemen, but find freedom in knowing that God is over you, guiding you. Even if you aren't listening to Him. It's pretty neat to think that this person who created all the universe, the plant system, and the multitude of sand is taking care of you too. It reminds me of Matthew 6:26. Go check it out when you have the time.

amgfinding_freedom

Potential Dreams

Today I was able to go to church with Susan, my supervisor. It is a combination of Bowmar's home church  style and Roundaway's where my heart is  size. The preacher is doing a series on Freedom what my blog is about.  He is going through the book of Exodus teaching about the Israelites and how they were struggling to leave Egypt. They knew what everyday would be like in Egypt, and going into the unknown is very scary. Often they thought of turning back because they were unsure as to what would be in their future. Today, he talked from Exodus 16 telling us that God's promise is bigger than my problem, his tag line for the whole sermon.  He said that they were always given the right amount of manna everybody needed.

I hope this makes sense, I'm no preacher and I can't say it verbatim like he can, but it was neat because he was saying that sometimes we are like the Israelites. We want to go back to the things we know and not experience complete freedom that God has for us because it requires faith and trust. Something that as Christians we are all supposed to have all the time, but some times we have more or less than others. 

As I listened to this fantastic message about freedom, I kinda felt like the message was specifically for me. Ever since I have been in Oklahoma, I have learned all about the domestic violence in the state. I know all of the statistics for this state, but not a lot about Mississippi. Yesterday, I wrote about there only being ten domestic violence shelters in Mississippi. 

I wrote about that because I feel like God is calling me to do something about that low number. I'm not exactly sure what I am supposed to do, but I know I cannot sit still and watch this continue to happen. I have kept arguing with God telling Him that I'm not the right person. A nineteen year old girl from Mississippi cannot start a shelter all on her own. She has only been out of high school for two years and hasn't completed the college education she desires.

 Then I looked at the picture my younger cousin drew me and I read the Bible verse he wrote to go along with it. 1 Timothy 4:12.It was encouraging. Yes I am nineteen. Yes I don't exactly know what I am supposed to do. But No, I cannot sit by and watch this evil continue. 


Find freedom today in what God is asking you to do. Is He asking you to quite that job you have had for years to go and be a missionary? Is He telling you not to buy that house so that you can help another person pay their rent? I don't know what He is asking or telling you, but find freedom! 


It's kinda neat to think about what I will be doing in the next ten years. (If you had asked me this question when I graduated high school, I would have said, "I'm marrying a chemical engineer. I"m going to graduate from Delta State with a bachelor's degree in Biology. I am going to go to physical therapy school in Memphis, Tennessee and I will work at St. Jude Children's Hospital. I will live in a white house with navy blue shudders with a wrap around porch and a white picket fence. Later on I would have three wonderful biological children that would thrive in their school system.) But through somewhat hard times, God revealed to me that none of that was going to happen. But I know whatever is to come, I will be free in and love most moments. 


Prayer Request and I will hush I promise!

• Candy had her healthy baby boy today! Yay :) 
• My Granny is having a pacemaker put in tomorrow. Supposed to be a routine procedure, but anything could happen. 
• My team and I get to go on a prayer drive through Oklahoma. Going to the rougher parts of town where we know prostitution is happening. 
• The staff can continue to have grace and patience with those that we are serving and serving with. 
• The team and I can continue to seek God with our futures. 

amgfinding_freedom 

Ten is Not Enough

I have been in Oklahoma for almost a month now. Training went well and I can officially play the game by myself with a little guidance.  Answering phones, passing out medicine, writing progress notes have become a wonderful part of my life and most of the time I love every moment of it.

Yesterday though, answering the phones was hard. When I answer the phone and I figure out that it is a domestic violence situation I write it down on what is known as an "Intake card" even if it turns out not to be DV, I still have to write it down.  Three times I answered the phone and three times I had to deny three women of a safe place to stay. The shelter has reached full capacity and cannot accept anybody else until somebody leaves. As I listened to their stories my heart broke. Below is just one example of the three that I heard.

One lady was not domestic violence, but needs somewhere to stay. She explained to me that she is a sick lady who lives on Social Security that has an eighteen year old daughter who just graduated high school. Because her daughter has completed college, she will lose some of her money and will not be able to afford her apartment any longer. When I told her we couldn't help her she didn't understand why I listened to her story. I explained to her that situations at the shelter change almost weekly if not daily; two beds could possibly open up if God meant for her to be here. Continuing the phone intake process, I gave her references to other shelters. As I listed them and gave her the numbers, there were a few on the list that she told me were not safe for her and her young daughter to go to. The phone call came an end after the last shelter was given and she thanked me for my time and I told her I would be praying for her.

Today was an easy day. The shelter received lots of donations and had multiple volunteers here to help cook lunch and sort through the donations we had been given. Even though it was easy, those three phone calls kept running through my head.

When I got off my seven to three shift, I began doing my own research specifically for Mississippi.  I learned that there are ten domestic violence shelters across the state and only one specified for human trafficking.

This can't remain the same. If Mississippi has half of the same amount of women calling asking for a safe place to sleep long enough so they can get back on their feet then most of these shelters are near their full capacity too.

I am unsure what to do to make the number larger, but I know it can't stay this low. It breaks my heart to think that we could help save more women if more people would rise up and say that this is not an okay thing.

This really has nothing to do with a spiritual side unless God has given me this passion  of finding freedom, but helping others find freedom in safety.

Prayer request real fast and then you can get off your computer:

• S.T.O.P (Stop Trafficking in Oklahoma through Prayer) will be having a national day of prayer for human trafficking victims on the 24th of this month. Take a moment and pray for those in Oklahoma and anywhere else in your area please. 
• Virginia, our newest guest will most likely be returning to her family on Tuesday.

amgfinding_freedom

Being Still

Hey lovely peoples, I greatly apologize for not blogging a lot lately. I've been busy running. Not physically but emotionally. A lot has happened in the past couple of days, but I haven't been dealing with it and processing it. I will come to my computer to blog, but as I write, I remember, and soon stop.  Mostly because I thought it wasn't okay to cry.

Today, all of that changed. My great supervisor Susan encouraged us I believe on Monday to not sit in the office most of our shift. She told us to walk throughout the building and pray, find a lady to talk and pray with, or just complete a task that needs to be finished. I took her challenge seriously, and have done just that. But as I did, I realized that there is a lot of hurt and blessings in this building.

I got to talk with a staff member by the name of Sheila. She told a story of a blessing that brought a big smile on my face. She has been needing two surgeries lately and has been struggling to get doctors to communicate with one another, but today her blessing came. The doctors finally got together and agreed that they could do their procedures on the same day it's cheaper for her this way.  As I listened to Sheila, I celebrated with her and thought about the many blessings that have been given to me. Only a few hours later, as I continued the challenge today, I also saw hurt.

Our newest guest, we will call her Virginia, was on the phone in the lobby just sobbing. It broke my heart! She told the staff she would come to us if she wanted to talk I had to remain in my seat and just listen to her cry. My prayer was that she would come to me so I could talk and pray with her, but the situation never presented itself. Maybe that was a blessing. 


The last moments of my seven to three shift was when my heart was truly broken. I went to sit out in the lobby again.  Sarah was out there, the same lady I went to the ER with last Saturday evening. I had prayed with her earlier in the day about her spinal discogram probably spelled that wrong, and can't explain what it is exactly.  She wants to recover quickly from it so she won't be in her room and become depressed. Sarah hates it when she is depressed; she says God has delivered her from it and doesn't want to experience it it again which is understandable.  Then she asked me how I was doing.

Fine was my answer. She then asked me how my beau and I were doing  you get asked if you have a boyfriend a lot around here and I said Great other than missing one another a bit. Then she asked me my age and I told her I was nineteen. "Your very mature for your age. I thought you were twenty-one or so." I explained that I receive that response often. Sarah proceeded to ask why and I said something along the line of "I felt like I had to grow up when I was younger." After that answer she responded by saying "I'm sorry."

This is a lady who has been trafficked, beaten, and sexually abused most of her life and she was apologizing to me because I said "I felt the need to grow up." I explained that I was fine with everything that I went through and that it made me the person I am today. Sarah kept apologizing.

We were only able to talk a little bit more before I had to go pray with the on coming members of the next shift. After we prayed I went to the staff wing and just got on my bed. Shortly after, my phone rings and there is this great guy on the other end asking me how my day was. I said "It wasn't physically draining, but emotionally I was spent. I feel like I could cry but I have no reason to." He responded "It's okay to cry." It was a short conversation, but it was very helpful.

As I sat on my bedroom floor, I began replaying the conversation I had had with Sarah. Soon after, I began crying. The one thing I had wanted to do all week but couldn't allow myself.  I was finally being still and allowing God to move in my life in a new way. Eventually the floor got uncomfortable and I climbed to my bunk and just lied in my bed with my eyes closed. Continuing to be still and praying I would go to sleep (never happened)  About half an hour later my alarm went off for me to begin to get ready for dinner with both of my supervisors. Even though I was in the shower, God was still talking to me. I felt like He was telling me everything would have been better sooner had I allowed myself to be still and process through all of my new emotional baggage.

Today, take a moment to find freedom in being still. Allow God to talk to you, because every day He wants to, even if you don't. Yes, I am serving as a summer missionary and I struggle with being still. Serving at a shelter can keep you busy all the time if you aren't careful I am resetting my boundaries so this doesn't happen again.  Be still and know that He is God and loves you all the time unconditionally.

I understand that this is a long blog I have been trying to write for days but every time, I didn't want to because I would have to relive everything that happened throughout the day  but, I have a few prayer request.

• We have reached full capacity and can no longer take Domestic Violence or Human Trafficking women and children. Pray for the ones who are seeking shelter. 
• The lady we threw the baby shower for will be having a C-Section Monday to have her son. 
• Sarah, just had another procedure and is healing. Pray that her depression will not get the best of her because she is going to be in her room a lot by herself. 
• Our Human Trafficking lady will be potentially be leaving us to go home on Tuesday. Pray for her safety as she returns home. 

I believe that is all, pray for the shelter in general if you don't mind. 

amgfinding_freedom

Healing

So all of yesterday I was off. I had no responsibilities to the shelter whatsoever. I must admit, it was kinda nice.  Then another staff member, Tracey came running down the staff hall, frantically might I add. Of course, I asked what was wrong; she was looking for another staff member to cover her shift. Why? She then informed me that a guest Sarah was shaking really bad and needed to go to the hospital, but wouldn't go alone. Understandable considering that she lives in a shelter.  I immediately go to grab my purse, phone, and keys so I can go with her.  On my one day off for the next few days, I choose to go to the hospital with a lady I hardly know.

As we are riding in the back of the ambulance to the hospital six miles away, I begin thinking about the situation. I immediately went to grab my things so I could assist in any way possible. That is not me at all! I avoid the hospital as much as possible, normally causing me to pass the baton to somebody else.

In my life, my mother has had the ambulance called multiple times and the number of times I have gone with her is ZERO! This is my mom! The lady that has loved me since I was born, and I have not once offered to go to the hospital with her.

Once we arrived to the hospital, and I and another staff were required to wait elsewhere while the medical staff took care of her, I was in complete agony. This I feel with my mother too (Just to clarify). Is she okay? What's going on? Will I get to see her soon? Tracy told me not to let her out of my sight so that brought more nervousness to the equation. As I sat, I continued to ponder about my unwillingness to help my mom.

I have had emotionally damage because of my mom's health issues, and I have known this for a bit, but was unsure how to deal with it. Last night as I continued to worry about Sarah, I gave up my hurts (I had plenty of time to deal with them because we were in the ER for a large amount of time) . I realized that because I wouldn't let go of my hurt that our relationship will not get any better. I used to blame her for all of it, but GOD revealed to me that it is me too.

Around 11:30 we were able to go back to the shelter with a good report and release. I found freedom in my own hurts and I believe that I have completely let them go now and I pray that I can make them stay away. My prayer for you today is that you can find freedom in your hurts, just as I have in a lot of mine!

Before you go, as always, I have a few prayer request:

• A human trafficking victim is being admitted to the shelter today. The staff member admitting her, is a former victim and will need strength to get through this. 
• Roundaway youth group, they are going to Centrifuge this week and will be learning a great deal. 
• I can continue to learn, accepting my mistakes and being able to move on from them. (Made quite a few this morning)

amgfinding_freedom 

Loving the Simple Things

Just this past Thursday I was given more information about Human Trafficking. I have been learning about the different forms of trafficking since January through personal research, but hearing them from another source is still worrisome. It's crazy how real Satan is with this battle! I and my wonderful teammates cannot just sit back and ignore it. To be honest, I am still processing the numbers, the new stories I heard, and the simple fact that this is happening in real life. Something I did not know is that about once a week I will see a slave in some form of bondage. May it be sex, labor, pornography....the list continues, but I'd rather not begin to think about it at this moment. I also learned that Houston is a major  port for human trafficking. For those of you who do not know, I was in Houston only three weeks ago at the airport; I wonder now how many people did I see that were some type of slave. It breaks my heart and will persist to do so until WE as a nation under God can get rid of it.

Enough of that. I like to think about happy things. The simple things.

Tonight the Summer Girls and I threw a baby shower for a lady in her early twenties that I will name Candy. Of course, me being the person that I am, I think balloons, games, table clothes, etc. Well, it being so last minute we literally planned to do it the night before there was not money in the budget for that sort of affair. Instead, we found a box of cake mix and icing and made a beautiful cake, we purchased ribbon and clothes pins to play the "Can't Say Baby Game," and shopped in the baby room of the shelter to find nice gifts.
At first I am thinking This is so plain! She is not going to like it. She won't have fun. Why didn't we do it earlier in the day? Or wait until after she had the baby to throw a shower? 
In all actuality, she loved it! Turns out, this was her very first baby shower. EVER. I feel compelled to tell you that she has a three year old daughter and has never had a baby shower. So while I thought she was going to hate it, I was proven wrong and found that sometimes simple and plain is all you need to make somebody feel special.

What I ask of you tonight, or whenever you read this blog, is to find freedom in the simple things. Enjoy the sticky notes on the mirror, the hugs you get from family and friends, and the "I love you" text messages. Sometimes, that is all a person needs to make them feel special. Give them and receive them without worrying about details. At the end of the day, you thought about them to give them thirty seconds or more of your time.

Thanks for reading, but before you stop I have a few prayer request.

• One of our staff members (a Summer Girl last year) is getting married tomorrow at 10:30 a.m.
• Taylor, our newest guest at the shelter is in need of maternity clothes that fit her. 
• Melba, a guest that I grew close to as I assisted in giving her medicine, willingly went back to her abuser Wednesday night. Pray that they can both continue down the right path for the both of them. 
• That I and my team can continue to confide in each other. 

amgfinding_freedom

No Such Thing as Perfect People...

So yesterday, I was lying in bed reading The Relief of Imperfection, trying to figure out a potential Sunday school lesson for the women at the shelter. I love how God works because the chapters I was reading, was a great reminder to myself. I AM NOT PERFECT! Yes, you read it right. I'm not nor will I ever be.  Joan, the author of the book says this "Perfection on this earth is not possible."

I've read this book twice now, and I still find myself trying to be "Little Miss Perfect." I know that I can't be. For the longest time, mostly through high school,  I thought I had to do every little thing right. I couldn't mess up, and if I ever did, nobody could know about it. I now know that it is okay to mess up, and it is okay to admit it, but sometimes I still find myself not wanting to admit the "Oops." 

I continued reading, still struggling to find something that I would like for the ladies to know. And I made it to Chapter Two: Doesn't God want Me to be Perfect? I had an "AH-HA" moment and said "Yes, but He knows I can never be perfect." As I continued my answer, I understood, yet again because I have read this book twice now that I am still trying to be perfect and that I need to stop! This is the second book that has given me conviction....the first is the Bible!  

Being a summer missionary, I have found myself wanting to conceal my mistakes in the past, but through talking with my great teammates, I have discovered, that a) you feel better once you confess like the Bible tells you to in James, b) you can connect in a stronger way and c) it can open doors for healing to arrive and for your ministry to further improve. 

I discovered what I want to teach the women only a few pages away, Joan shares in the book about God using people who are not perfect:

"Abraham lied about his relationship with wife Sarai (Genesis 12:10-20)...David committed adultery and killed to cover his tracks (2nd Samuel 11:3-7). Jacob deceived his father and played favorites with his sons (Genesis 37:2-3). Sarah shamed and ridiculed her employee Hagar (Genesis 16:6). Paul and John Mark had a public ministry split (Acts 15:36-40) Peter impetuously cut off a soldier's ear in defense of his friend Jesus and then denied even knowing Him (John 18:10,26) James and John jockeyed for higher status, disregarding the others on Jesus' team (Mark 10:35-41)

This was very encouraging to me because sometimes I don't feel worthy of the work I am able to do in Oklahoma. Sometimes, I feel like there is a better person that can do this than me, but I am here for a reason, with all of my imperfections. It is such a relief and a freedom to know that I do not have to be perfect to love Jesus! And I want these women to know that too. 

Thanks for reading! Sorry it was really long, but this is what I have been doing the past few days in Oklahoma. Realizing that it is okay that I make mistakes and realizing that others are going to make mistakes too. 

Prayer request and then you can close out the link.

• We have had several new arrivals at the shelter and that they can adjust to the rules of the shelter.
• My team and I as we all prepare Sunday school lessons
• The Sunday school teacher we are replacing for a while, Linda, that God may reveal to her what she needs to teach in the women's Sunday school class

amgfinding_freedom

Boundaries?

Another week in Oklahoma has gone by! Can't believe it is going so quickly. I have been trained even more and I think I will get to start charting this afternoon on the three to eleven shift. I finally get to be (somewhat) of a night owl!  Anyways, the craziness of the shelter keeps me on my toes and every day is a new day. Nothing will ever be routine around here and I love it! During the past week I have read policy after policy after policy and have assisted with the process of taking in new women (intake for future reference). Sadly, I have also helped with the exit of a lady I had a small connection with through poetry. I never got to read any of her poetry, but we bonded because we both like to write.

Since I have been here, my supervisor has told us to maintain boundaries. For example, on an off day, we do not have to help with preparing dinner if we do not want to. A more serious one is just following the boundaries that have already been set and put into place. At first I thought I was going to find this difficult because I am not one to continually stand my ground. Believe it or not, boundaries are easy to set and easy to stick to (as of right now).

I made a boundary early on, that on Sundays if I was not working, I would not go to church with the ladies that I serve, but find somewhere else to go. Mostly this was set so that I could have time away from them and be spiritually nourished and not feel like I was working  when I am not. Yesterday was Sunday and I did  not have to work until three, so I decided to go to church with my supervisor. Another staff member had asked if we were going to go to church with her and the ladies so she could have help. In a lovingly way, I told her no. She then got a look of disappointment that almost made me say "Okay, let me go change the church the ladies go to is rather traditional  and I will go." But, I stuck to my boundary and got to hear this awesome sermon about FREEDOM. Had I not stuck to that boundary, I would have missed out on that.

Slowly but surely I am finding that boundaries are a good thing and it is okay to say "No" to something. In Exodus, where that awesome sermon came from God set boundaries for His people. Also known as, the Ten Commandments. So if God sets boundaries and has the ability to say "No" then I should be able to as well. Finding freedom in being able to set boundaries is wonderful!

This Oklahoma life is crazy, but I know I am in God's will every single day because every day it seems He is stretching me and taking me out of my comfort zone. Pushing me out of the box I have put myself in. This process is not at all easy, but wonderful to experience. Being around these women is so encouraging. Listening to their stories and hearing how they are figuring out who God is is just amazing. I feel as if they are ministering to me just as much if not more, as I am to them

Before I go, I have a few prayer request:

• The lady that left the shelter is potentially going back to the situation that brought her to the shelter. 
• That our team remains strong and can continue to confide in one another.
• A staff member I work with is having family problems and is not sure what to do next. 
• Another staff member is having a baby soon and will be adjusting to working a new shift.
• And the ladies that are here as they are growing in Christ.

-amgfinding_freedom